We're now getting to the part of the year that I've wanted to reflect on the least because of how painful it was. I had financial troubles, my leg remained troublesome, and my relationship with my coworkers had changed due to my absence.
While working at the training center, I got a call one day out of the blue (I think it was a Monday) from one of my department managers telling me that the very next day, I would be expected to report back with my department to assist them with upcoming department related stuff. I had known it was coming, eventually, but the suddenness of it still shocked me. I told the woman who I'd been working under that they had called me back, and tried to get as much done as I could on the big project I'd been tasked with. I had physical therapy scheduled already, and the property assessor was stopping by my house a few days later. I would get to juggle a few more things that I thought I had planned out, as well. At least with the constant change in my life, I've gotten pretty good at being able to adjust and keep moving forward. I still don't like it, though.
I showed up the next day, back with the department, and generally did paperwork sorting/filing or supply accountability. I missed being at the training facility, but, was still allowed autonomy and the ability to simply get things done without a lot of oversight. Some days I'd show up, and be tasked with taking company vehicles and picking up light generators or vans that were needed. I helped other sections of the department with various outage preparations (pulling files, printing thousands of pages of needed forms, shredding). The pace of work wasn't bad at all. I got to help with pre-outage, but they pulled someone else off shift to help with the actual outage stuff, while pushing me through training to get re-qualified. It bugged me at first, but at least my hours would be improving and I could get consistent overtime to make up for the lost funds through the summer.
The process to get re-qualified started with getting clearance from the surgeon who had performed my surgery. I tried using these appointments to also continue to convey the messages my body was giving me that my leg was still not feeling good. Physical therapy was wrapping up, and the same lingering issues with ligament pain that came with straightening my knee, then seeing how far I could bend it persisted (and vice versa). It wasn't 100% comfortable to simply walk, much less run. I was told several times that this was 'typical' recovery pain, and just accepted defeat. There was no evaluation, no investigation, nothing would be done about it. (The pain walking persists today, July 2015). One day during physical therapy, I just couldn't do it, I told them. It was hurting too much to just walk, much less go through 45 minutes of rehab. They got out one of their Graston tools, and went to work. It was very painful, at times, but I could feel it working, and it reduced pain quite a bit. With less pain in my leg, I got cleared and re-qualified, and went back on shift.
When I got back on shift, relationships had changed slightly, and I was on the outside, as far as having a clue was concerned. I got blamed for a few things which I didn't partake in, and that opened the floodgates to be 'poked' by co-workers. After about a month, I wasn't really handling things well. I had enough issues at home dealing with how I would pay for my credit accounts, medical bills, and my house repairs. In addition to that, a very close friend was dealing with his wife's infidelity, another friend had been hiding his divorce and was furious when I found out, and co-worker's wife was cheating on him and stealing from him. I let these things also affect my attitude, and mental state, since I'm a single guy who was about to give up on the prospects of ever marrying or even dating.
Throughout this time at work, my supervisors never once publicly stopped me being teased, which really bugged me. If I responded, I got talked to about it, but never once did they publicly attempt to stop it. This lead to a lack of trust on my part, especially after what we'd gone through just 7 months prior (supervisors who want respect but don't earn it). I've come to realize and accept my responsibilities in the problems, I need to do a better job of respecting authority, whether they earn it or not. All of this lead to me hate going to work, which was new. I'd generally been happy to go to work because it meant I had a job, and that was good. But I couldn't (or didn't) deal well with being teased every single shift.
With the reduced hours during the summer, I'd lost over $3000 worth of expected salary, and fallen behind on most of my bills. They were getting more persistent in wanting payment, and I got frequent calls from creditors and the medical facilities. I was trying to get caught up, but it was never enough, it seemed. I decided to take fall semester classes, despite my finances, and this wasn't a wise decision. With all the extra stress, I passed one of the two classes I took, and failed quite spectacularly the 2nd one. I was in a bad place in just about every way possible, and wasn't turning towards God.
Everything was crashing down around me, and I felt like I was going through everything alone. I didn't want to bother anyone with my troubles, I didn't confide in anyone, and wasn't crying out to God for help. Some nights I prayed that I just wouldn't wake up. Through it all, my mom and stepdad were about the only thing keeping me going. They weren't (and still aren't) pushing me out of the house, despite the fact that they'd have every right to.
If I had any advice from this time frame, it's that you shouldn't go through life with all of your burdens on your shoulders. For one, Jesus has offered and will take them all from you. Second, accountability and a close circle of friends are more valuable to your spiritual and mental status. They can help you refocus on God and give you a perspective that you may have missed. That's also an extremely important factor in your local congregation. That's one of Satan's tricks, to make you think you have nowhere to turn, nothing going well, and that no one cares. If you don't share your problems, people may not see that you are having any.
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Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
"Jesus gave it all to save you, He carried the cross on His shoulders so you can start over"
NF in the song "Start Over" by Flame
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