Fulfillment

The other day, I was asked whether or not my job fulfills me, and I kind of laughed and said 'no'.  I won't get into lots of detail, but I sit in various areas and watch cameras, or I patrol, or I'm searching things.  To me, that's not really fulfilling.  It's hard for me to draw much fulfillment from such a dormant job, one in which I don't believe I'm making much of an impact or accomplishing anything.

The activities of my job don't excite me, nor does the schedule where we work days one week and nights the next until we're zombies (or maybe it's just me that's the zombie).  Despite the lack of excitement from my daily activities at work, it is a good job, with good pay and benefits, it's typically not strenuous, and because of long working hours each day, we get many days off per month.  But we'll work weekends and holidays on a consistent basis.

There was a time that I looked to this job for fulfillment, though.  I let the job, and my quality of work, the 'rankings' define me.  When things weren't going well at work, I let that affect other areas of my life.  I'd let the disappointments of the day, the anger, get to me at home or when with friends.  When relationships at work were in bad shape, it would dominate my week, and it let it fester.  I work with several people who pride themselves in being assholes, who at times act like they need to put someone down.

That's one thing I've been intentionally working on lately (the last several months), to not let work carry over to home.  While things have gotten better relationally at work, a bad day doesn't wreck me.  What I do, and what happens at work isn't my foundation, it's not what defines me.  My relationship with Christ is the sole thing I care about that defining me.    Maintaining that is of utmost importance to me, and it does take effort.  Not 'work', but effort and time.

At work, I've kind of become the crew motivator, or 'cheerleader' maybe.  My goal is to develop relationships, and let people know I care.  Sometimes it's not fun, if I'm dealing with the same guys who are never really responsive, but I try not to let it get to me if there's no response.  I'm not doing it for me, at least I'm trying not to.  I don't think my witness as a believer has been that great, and that's probably the biggest thing I regret,so far.  I still have a general lack of trust that any of them would have my back, especially supervision,but that doesn't matter.  My job, as a Christian is to simply love them, for they are made in the image of God, just like me.  I fail a lot, but I'm doing better.

2015 so far. The pinnacle of pain, and God's redeeming love.

2014 ended, and 2015 began with a time of relaxation.  A friend was back home from Europe, and a friend came up from Missouri.  We talked, we hung out, we played video games, and we enjoyed seeing each other, again.  I was still a bit depressed, and it probably affected how I responded to them.  I'd had a buddy from work fixing my car, and we got to cruise around with it (a 95 Cobra) and my Missouri friend's late 80's IROC Camaro.  It's always good to cruise in muscle cars :)

After the New Year's break, I tried ignoring things back at work, and instead of the teasing stopping, they had picked it up a notch.  I still didn't enjoy coming to work, and didn't plan ahead in a constructive way that would give me some leeway if I ran into slow traffic or bad weather.  This lead to me being about 1-2 minutes late one day when it was snowing because I couldn't get around people driving 'slow'  (or sane) in the snow.  I am harder on myself than they were (not one of my best traits), but I got a slow-clap from people when I walked in, which made me even more angry.  It was only when I stopped talking to everyone that they slowed down, but it also caught the eye of a supervisor.

The VA had gotten a new primary doctor for Iraq vets, and he seemed more helpful than the previous one.  He genuinely seemed to care, and want to improve my health.  He put me on Naproxen for my leg, and that helped the pain a LOT.  The only negative side effect was that if you didn't eat food with it, it makes you sick to your stomach.  I took it without food, and woke up for work at my normal time feeling terrible.  I called in right after waking up (0435 or so), and spent the day laying on the couch with stomach cramps.  They consider anything after 0400 a ‘late call-in’, and I don't wake up until 0430 ish, so that was a negative hit on me, as well.  The late call-in, being late, and me not wanting to talk to anyone lead my supervisor to put something negative in my year-end review, but not talk to me at all.

I thought things had been slightly improving at work,, and I was coming up with plans to pay my medical bills (I ended up paying around $2000 in January and February on those).  The reduced leg pain definitely helped my psyche, and I thought that finally I was coming out of my funk.  My friends had been holding an accountability group while reading "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg, and invited me to join.

That was when I got the final blow.  My supervisor had stopped me for a 2-minute conversation on a Sunday to 'see if things were ok', and that was the only indication that something might have been amiss.  Six months of him not talking to me about being teased several hours a shift which wasn't exactly hidden, but a 2 minute conversation that day.  People from other crews that worked with us definitely noticed, and talked to me about how [rude] they were.   After working a night shift two days later, I woke up to a phone call that I shouldn't go into work, I was getting a ‘random’ psychological test.  You don't just get random psychological tests, and I took it personal, it felt like someone WANTED me fired.  So that went through my head for 16 hours before having to take the test and meet with the section at work who handles these things.

Thankfully, that morning was my first time in the group accountability call.  I was able to not bear this alone, and get some much needed prayer, if nothing else, just for my mind.  I was still a half of a wreck when I showed up for the test, but it didn’t take long.  I'd just have to come back in a few hours and have a face-chat with the psychologist about the results.  I was able to get a nap in, and that was another blessing.  I got through the interview just fine, and got some tips: When you go silent, he said, you're what sticks out, not the people being pricks.  I then talked with the section supervisor of that group, as a follow-up.  I could have given up names, I could have changed crews, and yet I chose to stick with the same group of people without saying a word.  I'm still trying to see what I can do to change the culture of the crew, but it might  take a while.  I need to make sure i'm not joining them, and trying to be an example of Christ's love to them.

Since that day, things have been getting better and better.  My medical bills are paid off, I am on a payment plan for my debt, and we've added an additional group call for accountability (which I definitely need).  I've lost almost 20 pounds, had the VA remove a lump from my head, they fixed my nose so I could breathe through it, and not need a CPAP.

I am now working on a research project for myself, continuing to work on my house when I can and I'm trying to lose weight.  Next up on my body is figuring out how to get my left leg back; it's still not working right.  I'm trying to establish consistent times in prayer and scripture, but with rotating shifts, I'm lucky to know what day it is, sometimes.  

The only thing more embarrassing than a financial audit, might be an audit of my time.  What you spend your time and money on say a lot about what you REALLY care about.  I'm working on trusting God in EVERYTHING and allowing Him to change my heart to be generous with my money and spending my time more wisely.  If someone annoys you, because of their constant speaking, looking for attention, don’t look down on them for that.  They’re looking to you because they are placing value in YOU, and your attention, and because they’re not getting it elsewhere.

Today might suck, but you'll wake up with a fresh slate tomorrow, if you allow yourself that.  His mercies are new every day.

2014, The Finale

We're now getting to the part of the year that I've wanted to reflect on the least because of how painful it was.  I had financial troubles, my leg remained troublesome, and my relationship with my coworkers had changed due to my absence.

While working at the training center, I got a call one day out of the blue (I think it was a Monday) from one of my department managers telling me that the very next day, I would be expected to report back with my department to assist them with upcoming department related stuff.  I had known it was coming, eventually, but the suddenness of it still shocked me.  I told the woman who I'd been working under that they had called me back, and tried to get as much done as I could on the big project I'd been tasked with.  I had physical therapy scheduled already, and the property assessor was stopping by my house a few days later.  I would get to juggle a few more things that I thought I had planned out, as well.  At least with the constant change in my life, I've gotten pretty good at being able to adjust and keep moving forward.  I still don't like it, though.

I showed up the next day, back with the department, and generally did paperwork sorting/filing or supply accountability.  I missed being at the training facility, but, was still allowed autonomy and the ability to simply get things done without a lot of oversight.  Some days I'd show up, and be tasked with taking company vehicles and picking up light generators or vans that were needed.  I helped other sections of the department with various outage preparations (pulling files, printing thousands of pages of needed forms, shredding).  The pace of work wasn't bad at all.  I got to help with pre-outage, but they pulled someone else off shift to help with the actual outage stuff, while pushing me through training to get re-qualified.  It bugged me at first, but at least my hours would be improving and I could get consistent overtime to make up for the lost funds through the summer.

The process to get re-qualified started with getting clearance from the surgeon who had performed my surgery.  I tried using these appointments to also continue to convey the messages my body was giving me that my leg was still not feeling good.  Physical therapy was wrapping up, and the same lingering issues with ligament pain that came with straightening my knee, then seeing how far I could bend it persisted (and vice versa).  It wasn't 100% comfortable to simply walk, much less run.  I was told several times that this was 'typical' recovery pain, and just accepted defeat.  There was no evaluation, no investigation, nothing would be done about it.  (The pain walking persists today, July 2015).  One day during physical therapy, I just couldn't do it, I told them.  It was hurting too much to just walk, much less go through 45 minutes of rehab.  They got out one of their Graston tools, and went to work.  It was very painful, at times, but I could feel it working, and it reduced pain quite a bit. With less pain in my leg, I got cleared and re-qualified, and went back on shift.

When I got back on shift, relationships had changed slightly, and I was on the outside, as far as having a clue was concerned.  I got blamed for a few things which I didn't partake in, and that opened the floodgates to be 'poked' by co-workers.  After about a month, I wasn't really handling things well.  I had enough issues at home dealing with how I would pay for my credit accounts, medical bills, and my house repairs.  In addition to that, a very close friend was dealing with his wife's infidelity, another friend had been hiding his divorce and was furious when  I found out, and co-worker's wife was cheating on him and stealing from him.  I let these things also affect my attitude, and mental state, since I'm a single guy who was about to give up on the prospects of ever marrying or even dating.

Throughout this time at work, my supervisors never once publicly stopped me being teased, which really bugged me.  If I responded, I got talked to about it, but never once did they publicly attempt to stop it.  This lead to a lack of trust on my part, especially after what we'd gone through just 7 months prior (supervisors who want respect but don't earn it).  I've come to realize and accept my responsibilities in the problems, I need to do a better job of respecting authority, whether they earn it or not.  All of this lead to me hate going to work, which was new.  I'd generally been happy to go to work because it meant I had a job, and that was good.  But I couldn't (or didn't) deal well with being teased every single shift.

With the reduced hours during the summer, I'd lost over $3000 worth of expected salary, and fallen behind on most of my bills.  They were getting more persistent in wanting payment, and I got frequent calls from creditors and the medical facilities.  I was trying to get caught up, but it was never enough, it seemed.  I decided to take fall semester classes, despite my finances, and this wasn't a wise decision.  With all the extra stress, I passed one of the two classes I took, and failed quite spectacularly the 2nd one.  I was in a bad place in just about every way possible, and wasn't turning towards God.

Everything was crashing down around me, and I felt like I was going through everything alone.  I didn't want to bother anyone with my troubles, I didn't confide in anyone, and wasn't crying out to God for help.  Some nights I prayed that I just wouldn't wake up.  Through it all, my mom and stepdad were about the only thing keeping me going.  They weren't (and still aren't) pushing me out of the house, despite the fact that they'd have every right to.

If I had any advice from this time frame, it's that you shouldn't go through life with all of your burdens on your shoulders.  For one, Jesus has offered and will take them all from you.  Second, accountability and a close circle of friends are more valuable to your spiritual and mental status.  They can help you refocus on God and give you a perspective that you may have missed.  That's also an extremely important factor in your local congregation.  That's one of Satan's tricks, to make you think you have nowhere to turn, nothing going well, and that no one cares.  If you don't share your problems, people may not see that you are having any.

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Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

"Jesus gave it all to save you, He carried the cross on His shoulders so you can start over"

NF in the song "Start Over" by Flame