Fulfillment

The other day, I was asked whether or not my job fulfills me, and I kind of laughed and said 'no'.  I won't get into lots of detail, but I sit in various areas and watch cameras, or I patrol, or I'm searching things.  To me, that's not really fulfilling.  It's hard for me to draw much fulfillment from such a dormant job, one in which I don't believe I'm making much of an impact or accomplishing anything.

The activities of my job don't excite me, nor does the schedule where we work days one week and nights the next until we're zombies (or maybe it's just me that's the zombie).  Despite the lack of excitement from my daily activities at work, it is a good job, with good pay and benefits, it's typically not strenuous, and because of long working hours each day, we get many days off per month.  But we'll work weekends and holidays on a consistent basis.

There was a time that I looked to this job for fulfillment, though.  I let the job, and my quality of work, the 'rankings' define me.  When things weren't going well at work, I let that affect other areas of my life.  I'd let the disappointments of the day, the anger, get to me at home or when with friends.  When relationships at work were in bad shape, it would dominate my week, and it let it fester.  I work with several people who pride themselves in being assholes, who at times act like they need to put someone down.

That's one thing I've been intentionally working on lately (the last several months), to not let work carry over to home.  While things have gotten better relationally at work, a bad day doesn't wreck me.  What I do, and what happens at work isn't my foundation, it's not what defines me.  My relationship with Christ is the sole thing I care about that defining me.    Maintaining that is of utmost importance to me, and it does take effort.  Not 'work', but effort and time.

At work, I've kind of become the crew motivator, or 'cheerleader' maybe.  My goal is to develop relationships, and let people know I care.  Sometimes it's not fun, if I'm dealing with the same guys who are never really responsive, but I try not to let it get to me if there's no response.  I'm not doing it for me, at least I'm trying not to.  I don't think my witness as a believer has been that great, and that's probably the biggest thing I regret,so far.  I still have a general lack of trust that any of them would have my back, especially supervision,but that doesn't matter.  My job, as a Christian is to simply love them, for they are made in the image of God, just like me.  I fail a lot, but I'm doing better.

2015 so far. The pinnacle of pain, and God's redeeming love.

2014 ended, and 2015 began with a time of relaxation.  A friend was back home from Europe, and a friend came up from Missouri.  We talked, we hung out, we played video games, and we enjoyed seeing each other, again.  I was still a bit depressed, and it probably affected how I responded to them.  I'd had a buddy from work fixing my car, and we got to cruise around with it (a 95 Cobra) and my Missouri friend's late 80's IROC Camaro.  It's always good to cruise in muscle cars :)

After the New Year's break, I tried ignoring things back at work, and instead of the teasing stopping, they had picked it up a notch.  I still didn't enjoy coming to work, and didn't plan ahead in a constructive way that would give me some leeway if I ran into slow traffic or bad weather.  This lead to me being about 1-2 minutes late one day when it was snowing because I couldn't get around people driving 'slow'  (or sane) in the snow.  I am harder on myself than they were (not one of my best traits), but I got a slow-clap from people when I walked in, which made me even more angry.  It was only when I stopped talking to everyone that they slowed down, but it also caught the eye of a supervisor.

The VA had gotten a new primary doctor for Iraq vets, and he seemed more helpful than the previous one.  He genuinely seemed to care, and want to improve my health.  He put me on Naproxen for my leg, and that helped the pain a LOT.  The only negative side effect was that if you didn't eat food with it, it makes you sick to your stomach.  I took it without food, and woke up for work at my normal time feeling terrible.  I called in right after waking up (0435 or so), and spent the day laying on the couch with stomach cramps.  They consider anything after 0400 a ‘late call-in’, and I don't wake up until 0430 ish, so that was a negative hit on me, as well.  The late call-in, being late, and me not wanting to talk to anyone lead my supervisor to put something negative in my year-end review, but not talk to me at all.

I thought things had been slightly improving at work,, and I was coming up with plans to pay my medical bills (I ended up paying around $2000 in January and February on those).  The reduced leg pain definitely helped my psyche, and I thought that finally I was coming out of my funk.  My friends had been holding an accountability group while reading "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg, and invited me to join.

That was when I got the final blow.  My supervisor had stopped me for a 2-minute conversation on a Sunday to 'see if things were ok', and that was the only indication that something might have been amiss.  Six months of him not talking to me about being teased several hours a shift which wasn't exactly hidden, but a 2 minute conversation that day.  People from other crews that worked with us definitely noticed, and talked to me about how [rude] they were.   After working a night shift two days later, I woke up to a phone call that I shouldn't go into work, I was getting a ‘random’ psychological test.  You don't just get random psychological tests, and I took it personal, it felt like someone WANTED me fired.  So that went through my head for 16 hours before having to take the test and meet with the section at work who handles these things.

Thankfully, that morning was my first time in the group accountability call.  I was able to not bear this alone, and get some much needed prayer, if nothing else, just for my mind.  I was still a half of a wreck when I showed up for the test, but it didn’t take long.  I'd just have to come back in a few hours and have a face-chat with the psychologist about the results.  I was able to get a nap in, and that was another blessing.  I got through the interview just fine, and got some tips: When you go silent, he said, you're what sticks out, not the people being pricks.  I then talked with the section supervisor of that group, as a follow-up.  I could have given up names, I could have changed crews, and yet I chose to stick with the same group of people without saying a word.  I'm still trying to see what I can do to change the culture of the crew, but it might  take a while.  I need to make sure i'm not joining them, and trying to be an example of Christ's love to them.

Since that day, things have been getting better and better.  My medical bills are paid off, I am on a payment plan for my debt, and we've added an additional group call for accountability (which I definitely need).  I've lost almost 20 pounds, had the VA remove a lump from my head, they fixed my nose so I could breathe through it, and not need a CPAP.

I am now working on a research project for myself, continuing to work on my house when I can and I'm trying to lose weight.  Next up on my body is figuring out how to get my left leg back; it's still not working right.  I'm trying to establish consistent times in prayer and scripture, but with rotating shifts, I'm lucky to know what day it is, sometimes.  

The only thing more embarrassing than a financial audit, might be an audit of my time.  What you spend your time and money on say a lot about what you REALLY care about.  I'm working on trusting God in EVERYTHING and allowing Him to change my heart to be generous with my money and spending my time more wisely.  If someone annoys you, because of their constant speaking, looking for attention, don’t look down on them for that.  They’re looking to you because they are placing value in YOU, and your attention, and because they’re not getting it elsewhere.

Today might suck, but you'll wake up with a fresh slate tomorrow, if you allow yourself that.  His mercies are new every day.

2014, The Finale

We're now getting to the part of the year that I've wanted to reflect on the least because of how painful it was.  I had financial troubles, my leg remained troublesome, and my relationship with my coworkers had changed due to my absence.

While working at the training center, I got a call one day out of the blue (I think it was a Monday) from one of my department managers telling me that the very next day, I would be expected to report back with my department to assist them with upcoming department related stuff.  I had known it was coming, eventually, but the suddenness of it still shocked me.  I told the woman who I'd been working under that they had called me back, and tried to get as much done as I could on the big project I'd been tasked with.  I had physical therapy scheduled already, and the property assessor was stopping by my house a few days later.  I would get to juggle a few more things that I thought I had planned out, as well.  At least with the constant change in my life, I've gotten pretty good at being able to adjust and keep moving forward.  I still don't like it, though.

I showed up the next day, back with the department, and generally did paperwork sorting/filing or supply accountability.  I missed being at the training facility, but, was still allowed autonomy and the ability to simply get things done without a lot of oversight.  Some days I'd show up, and be tasked with taking company vehicles and picking up light generators or vans that were needed.  I helped other sections of the department with various outage preparations (pulling files, printing thousands of pages of needed forms, shredding).  The pace of work wasn't bad at all.  I got to help with pre-outage, but they pulled someone else off shift to help with the actual outage stuff, while pushing me through training to get re-qualified.  It bugged me at first, but at least my hours would be improving and I could get consistent overtime to make up for the lost funds through the summer.

The process to get re-qualified started with getting clearance from the surgeon who had performed my surgery.  I tried using these appointments to also continue to convey the messages my body was giving me that my leg was still not feeling good.  Physical therapy was wrapping up, and the same lingering issues with ligament pain that came with straightening my knee, then seeing how far I could bend it persisted (and vice versa).  It wasn't 100% comfortable to simply walk, much less run.  I was told several times that this was 'typical' recovery pain, and just accepted defeat.  There was no evaluation, no investigation, nothing would be done about it.  (The pain walking persists today, July 2015).  One day during physical therapy, I just couldn't do it, I told them.  It was hurting too much to just walk, much less go through 45 minutes of rehab.  They got out one of their Graston tools, and went to work.  It was very painful, at times, but I could feel it working, and it reduced pain quite a bit. With less pain in my leg, I got cleared and re-qualified, and went back on shift.

When I got back on shift, relationships had changed slightly, and I was on the outside, as far as having a clue was concerned.  I got blamed for a few things which I didn't partake in, and that opened the floodgates to be 'poked' by co-workers.  After about a month, I wasn't really handling things well.  I had enough issues at home dealing with how I would pay for my credit accounts, medical bills, and my house repairs.  In addition to that, a very close friend was dealing with his wife's infidelity, another friend had been hiding his divorce and was furious when  I found out, and co-worker's wife was cheating on him and stealing from him.  I let these things also affect my attitude, and mental state, since I'm a single guy who was about to give up on the prospects of ever marrying or even dating.

Throughout this time at work, my supervisors never once publicly stopped me being teased, which really bugged me.  If I responded, I got talked to about it, but never once did they publicly attempt to stop it.  This lead to a lack of trust on my part, especially after what we'd gone through just 7 months prior (supervisors who want respect but don't earn it).  I've come to realize and accept my responsibilities in the problems, I need to do a better job of respecting authority, whether they earn it or not.  All of this lead to me hate going to work, which was new.  I'd generally been happy to go to work because it meant I had a job, and that was good.  But I couldn't (or didn't) deal well with being teased every single shift.

With the reduced hours during the summer, I'd lost over $3000 worth of expected salary, and fallen behind on most of my bills.  They were getting more persistent in wanting payment, and I got frequent calls from creditors and the medical facilities.  I was trying to get caught up, but it was never enough, it seemed.  I decided to take fall semester classes, despite my finances, and this wasn't a wise decision.  With all the extra stress, I passed one of the two classes I took, and failed quite spectacularly the 2nd one.  I was in a bad place in just about every way possible, and wasn't turning towards God.

Everything was crashing down around me, and I felt like I was going through everything alone.  I didn't want to bother anyone with my troubles, I didn't confide in anyone, and wasn't crying out to God for help.  Some nights I prayed that I just wouldn't wake up.  Through it all, my mom and stepdad were about the only thing keeping me going.  They weren't (and still aren't) pushing me out of the house, despite the fact that they'd have every right to.

If I had any advice from this time frame, it's that you shouldn't go through life with all of your burdens on your shoulders.  For one, Jesus has offered and will take them all from you.  Second, accountability and a close circle of friends are more valuable to your spiritual and mental status.  They can help you refocus on God and give you a perspective that you may have missed.  That's also an extremely important factor in your local congregation.  That's one of Satan's tricks, to make you think you have nowhere to turn, nothing going well, and that no one cares.  If you don't share your problems, people may not see that you are having any.

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Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

"Jesus gave it all to save you, He carried the cross on His shoulders so you can start over"

NF in the song "Start Over" by Flame

Aaaah, life is BUSY!

Sorry that I haven't made a blog post for 3 months, things have been crazy and busy.  I've had two surgeries (removing a benign lypoma from my scalp, and a septoplasty with a bunch of other pain tossed in for fun!), and getting things lined up for what I hope is an exciting rest of the year.  I've also not really wanted to dig up the pain that I'll be discussing from the second half of last year.

I've got two blog posts ready to go, pending me going over them again in a day or two and possibly some extra oversight from a buddy.  I'm back in the writing mood, and I have some heavy topics I think need far more intellect than are actually being given by most of the people in this country.

2014 Part 4

In part 4, I start at the beginning of summer until just before I head back to work with my department.

When I got to go back to work, I was at my employer's training center.  I had to do a little training myself, to get caught up on their processes and expectations, but soon I was busy with whatever they threw at me.  I can't tell you how nice it was working with that group of people.  All consummate professionals, they made me feel welcome and important as soon as I was there.  Despite being quite busy most days, it wasn't stressful, there wasn't conflict, and it was a nice mental recovery.  I didn't feel the need to analyze every interaction with nagging questions;  'Did I say too much?', 'Will this person try to use that against me?', 'What was that all about?'.

One of my responsibilities was going to be watching people take tests, making sure they didn't cheat, helping them find courses, and getting them moved in the right direction for classroom training.  This allowed the woman I was working for, who was absolutely swamped, to actually get some of her work done.  I was also helping her check her tests and answers and study material against the 'base' model sent out by a regulator, so even when there weren't many people (if any) that needed computer tests, I kept busy.  On the off chance that there was nothing else I could do (typically because a program wasn't 'licensed' to me, or I didn't have the credentials), I took e-learning classes, which didn't cost me anything.

I took a few on leadership and emotional intelligence, acknowledging that controlling my emotions isn't always easy.  One, in particular, was both good and bad: It was about removing stress from work, which I'd had quite a bit of right before tearing my ACL.  For the class, you'd make a list of what you expect to get out of work, other than a paycheck, what motivates you, and what your goals are.  Then, you compare it with what your workplace's stated objectives/goals are.  It'll suffice to say that, for me, the lists didn't match up, and it was fairly easy to recall instances in reality where my employer's stated objective seemed like a facade.  It didn't really excite me to be heading back to my department soon.

One of the highlights of this time period, was that I was also taking college courses again, having started right after I tore my ACL.  I took a Computer Management Information Systems class, which sounds fancy, but was really just an indepth class about Microsoft Office.  I learned a TON taking the class, and that would pay off later in the summer, both in my summer class and at the training center.  It was a class that made learning fun, which is pretty rare, especially for online classes. During the summer, I took Accounting 1, which was a refresher from a class I'd taken 11 years prior in high school, but was also much more in depth.  It was very fast paced, but with a class like that, I enjoy the work.  I had considered taking a second class, but I'm glad I didn't.  Getting through a single accounting class in 8 weeks was enough hurry.

I tried to maintain my sanity throughout the summer by continuing a tradition of attending about one Royals game per month.  I can be fully content watching the games on TV, but I really think going to the stadium, in that atmosphere, is really fun.  I guess you could say that it helps when they're not always losing.  I'm scared of heights, so I don't enjoy sitting in the real high seats, very often.  Kauffman Stadium sits into the earth, so the first level of seats is below the level of the parking lot.  Those are fine with me, even if they're more expensive.  A buddy of mine and I share the cost, most games, where one of us will buy the tickets, and the other pays for gas; it works out pretty evenly.  The $80-100 per trip could have been used more wisely, but life needs to be fun, at times, as well.  I try to buy tickets to the 'give-away' games (bobble heads, generally, sometimes t-shirts), and we got the Alex Gordon Bobblehead this past season. 

On a side note, their 2015 bobble heads look SWEEEEET.  They've got various memorable events from the playoffs captured in bobblehead form, and I'm probably going to be showing up as soon as the gates open to the parking lot, those games.

Early on, I could tell that something was amiss in physical therapy when I'd do flatten my leg out, and then be told to see how much I could bend my knee.  It was so early in recovery, I didn't say anything in particular, I'd just mention in passing the discomfort.  I figured it would work itself out, which it hasn't, yet.  It still hurts to straighten my knee, more so with weight on it.  When I see how much I can bend my knee, there's a sharp pang from my hamstring (I'm assuming).

Because of my leg hurting, and spending money on Royals games, and medical bills, I didn't hardly do a thing all summer on the house.  It was enough just to get the lawn mowed, much less kill all the weeds and make it look very good.  I would usually do half one day, and finish the next, with a bunch of ice therapy in between.  I should have been taking antiinflammatories as well, but since I generally consider them, 'pain relief', I didn't.  I also wasn't stretching near as much as I needed to be.

It was a time of rest, and yet I wasn't taking things seriously enough, yet.  I still wasn't preparing and making good use of the time away from work.  The amount of paperwork you get for a major surgery like that is nuts.  From provider bills to insurance forms, it gets a little overwhelming.  It's easy to get some paperwork lost in the shuffle (for me).  I need a better system of keeping track of important paperwork, that's one thing I've learned.

Fixing myself up

I'm finally getting things fixed.

Health issues that have been bugging me since my deployment, I'm finally taking care of, well, most of them.  It's only taken tearing my ACL to motivate me.

I injured my left leg while in Mississippi, and I didn't go to the doctor.  I really didn't even tell my chain of command because I wanted to serve, I wanted to do my part.  I wasn't going to let a stupid accident in the barracks keep me from going to Iraq.  I mean, I could walk fine (as long as the incline wasn't too bad), and I could run, sorta.  My knee really didn't swell, but that's the area where the pain manifested itself.  In Iraq, I couldn't run more than 1/2 mile without my leg being sore and my foot going numb during a PT test, but I could play basketball for hours, and run on an elliptical just fine.

After ACL reconstruction last year, my knee itself seemed good only a few months after surgery, which was great, but surprising.  When I started jogging, though, my hamstring gave me issues, and continues to give me issues.  It's like my left leg just isn't aligned properly.  When I stand, the weight goes to the ball of my foot, not my heel. That gnarly callous I have on my right heel definitely isn't there on my left foot, and my work boots wear differently. Right now I'm just taking a big time NSAID, and it's helped a LOT, but like other things, it seems like a temporary fix to a permanent problem.  We'll see where it goes, but I'm optimistic for the first time in a long time.

Sometime during the deployment, a lump formed on the back of my head.  I stopped 'Biccing' my head (shaving it bald with 'Bic' razors) at that point, but I don't really remember the date.  Hopefully this week, after only 7 1/2 years, it will be removed and I'll finally have some clue what it was, and maybe even what caused it to form.  It's never really hurt, just more of an annoyance because people see it and ask what it is, and I have no idea.  Also an annoyance because when I cut my hair, I never really knew if I was cutting the hair right in that area, or if I'd have a long tuft around it.  I like 'high and tight' hair cuts, and it's RIGHT at that level that it makes it tough to cut them myself.

I haven't really been able to breathe since I've been home, not through my nose.  I mean, my nose was never really a turbine, or anything, but it seems like I just can't get full breaths through my nose, leading to me yawning, or simply breathing through my mouth.  It's made sleeping terrible, because I just stop breathing. The VA got me a CPAP after a sleep study.  They said it wasn't the worst case they'd seen by far, but it was bad.  The CPAP, though, bugs the hell out of me because while it may seem to help for a week or two, it then doesn't seem to be anything more than an annoyance which leads to a love/hate relationship with it.  I've only chucked it a few times.  Right now I'm using BreatheRight strips, but they work minimally to really help me breathe.  The days that I have 1 1/2 nostrils are the good days.

And then there are the issues that may linger.  I never got to even shoot at someone over there, and never got shot at or blown up, personally. But it's still sobering when you drive by an area, and it blows up 10 seconds later, two trucks behind you.  I'm the type of person who can't let things like that go, that wishes I could have done anything to keep it from happening.  They lived, and fully recovered, as far as I know, but it was close to not working out that way.  Or watching a vehicle that your buddies were just in burn to the ground, just being thankful that they got out.

I think with the rise of ISIS (at least part of which was helped by parts of the US government as an anti Syrian government force) and other world events, we'll probably be back in the Middle East.  I think in ten years or less, we could be dealing with problems inside our own borders, based on ideologies that democratic politicians seem to enjoy supporting (radical Islam, open borders, race baiting, class warfare, communist agitators) and the groups that they've spurned in recent years (Israel, European allies, Christians worldwide).

I'd like to be useful when these times come, so I guess I have a lot of work to do to get back in somewhat decent shape.

Reflecting on 2014, Part 3

My birthday present was the confirmation that yes, my ACL was torn, along with needing some of my meniscus trimmed.  I drove to Lincoln, to Lincoln Orthopedic Center to see Dr. Lawson.  He's a pretty goofy guy, but a good doctor, and honest.  While I was in Lincoln, I also got myself some crutches.  I'd been borrowing some, and they were about 3-4 inches too short and very old.  I still could not really walk, so crutches were a necessity.  I also made a stop at a home improvement store to get a chair for the shower.  Not being able to stand for showering wasn't fun at all.

The main thing I needed to do was keep my knee elevated, iced, and wrapped.  I couldn't work on my house, or walk, or stand on both legs, so I watched a LOT of TV (mainly the combine and NFL draft prep type videos via the NFL Network and YouTube), and played lots of a game that I'd purchased, DayZ.  It's a zombie apocalypse survival game, which means it's 'survival' and player vs player.  I play it, mainly, for the PVP.  If I want to learn or practice survival skills, I'll do that in real life.  With my house, that's sort of what it's become!  I joined a group, the "Reddit Rescue Force", 'RRF' for short.  Doing this, you run around helping people who have gotten hurt.  I had a local plumbing company do some work, though, to help me get my washer hooked up.  They did a great job, and I learned another valuable lesson: Get a quote first, every single time.

So, back to life.  Usually we have a supervisor review our time sheets to be a check for errors, and keep you from putting too much time down.  Because of when I'd torn my ACL, I only had a few hours on that pay period on my check prior to being off shift.  They didn't update anything (and I didn't check), so I got a paycheck in April for less than 30 hours over the previous two weeks.  I had to call my mortgage company and get my payment moved back to the end of the month because 30 hours minus taxes, retirement, and healthcare wasn't even close to covering my house payment, much less the mortgage in addition my utilities and other expenses.  Luckily, it's not like I'd spent much the previous two weeks, and I could cover my utilities, and gas to doctor appointments, but that was definitely an unneeded stress.

I wanted to return to work on crutches prior to surgery, in a light duty capacity, and was denied.  I knew I'd be cutting it close to running out of all my paid time off (vacation/sick leave), but once you ask and are denied, there's not much else that can be done.  So, I kept waiting, and resting, and gaming.  I should have done more reading, looking back.

By the time I had surgery on April 17th, I could nearly walk without pain, even though I wasn't supposed to be putting any weight on it.  I wasn't awake for the surgery, but from what I'm told it went well.  I don't mean to brag, but I'm a very good patient when I'm knocked out.  Afterward, I woke up in short stints about three times in the recovery room, but fell right back asleep.  Thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, ACL reconstruction surgery is out-patient and I was able to go home that night, as soon as I ate my mandatory 'meal'.  I had my brace, a cool-pack with a detachable large thermos to circulate the water, the On-Q medicine drip IV, and my crutches.  That On-Q was AMAZING, I barely felt anything those first days, unless I turned the line down too much.

That very next Monday, (the 4th day after surgery) I was already in physical therapy!  They unwrapped my knee for the first time since surgery and we worked on simple things like stretching and bending the knee.  Obviously, my knee was pretty stiff, and getting it to bend even 30 degrees felt like quite a strain.  I needed to get it limber fairly soon, I was supposed to be in a wedding that weekend.  Thankfully, the bride would allow me to wear shorts instead of trying to figure out how to get dress pants over my brace and cool pack.  That cool pack was my main source of pain relief at that point; I could tell when it was warming up because my knee would begin the dull ache of inflamed tendons, and ligaments.

The day before the wedding,  I met the guys at the airport where we picked up the best man, and headed up to Coleridge, Nebraska, for the rehearsal dinner and bachelor party.  The rehearsal went well, from what I could tell, apart my my slightly slow gait.  The choice for the bachelor party was bar hopping back towards Norfolk with the groom and best man wearing squirrel suits.  Only in part due to my limited mobility, I cut myself off early and got to drive the car back to Norfolk. Somewhere in the hoopla one of my crutches got bent, but I don't remember when. The wedding went great the next day, and the reception afterwards was a blast.  They had a picture booth and tons of props, so we got some good pictures from that.  Needless to say, I didn't dance, unless you consider making ice runs 'boogying'.

That next week would be my last week off from work before going back on light duty, so I tried to enjoy it.  Other than physical therapy at the hospital, I didn't have anything scheduled for that week, and I didn't try to change that.  My body was probably healthy enough to do light duty activities, but I had been told that I couldn't go back until the first full week of May, so there was nothing I could do.  As it turned out with my paid time off, I had to take 20 hours of 'PTO' unpaid.  In addition to losing an OT spot, and getting a super short check a few weeks prior, finances were tight. 

That was one of the tougher areas of 2014 was dealing with lost income.  Another valuable lesson that I had known, but hadn't taken the time to put in action was to save money, and save it intentionally.  Before I purchased the house, I'd had a few thousand dollars saved up, but after I'd bought the house, and seen how much work I'd need to do to it, I emptied my savings working on the house, and hadn't bothered even attempting to refill it.  I'd spent just about every penny I could trying to get tools or work on parts for the house.  I hadn't known I'd be missing work, and losing money like I did, or I would have done something about it.  Prepare yourself for the unexpected.

Looking Back at 2014, Part 2

The first few days back from France were largely spent recovering from the jet lag, as well as the 7-hour time difference.

                I got settled back into my routine at work, for the most part. My goal at work is to have good working relationships with the people on my crew. We see each other more than we see our families during the shifts that we work, so we have to get along. In 2013, we'd gotten a supervisor from a different crew, and he really ruffled people's feathers when he first came over.

                He and I have similar personalities; we like to get things done, we're very proactive, we don't take criticism well, or at least not at face value. Then, there are the parts of our personality that aren't similar... When he gets bored, he tries to find things to entertain himself, and sometimes it's at other people's expense. If I'm bored, I'll pull something out of the back of my brain, and start chewing on it until I can get it advanced in some way. I enjoy a good time messing around with co-workers (if I trust them), but I try not to make or take anything personal, and I don't enjoy conflict.

                I'm sure you'll find this everywhere, that you have people who are invested at different levels of commitment to their workplace, and their quality of work. This supervisor and I are both pretty dedicated to doing our best, regardless of the task, but this is where a fracture started to develop. I was a little jealous of the attention co-worker A was getting, as well, and it felt like a slap in the face that he was getting so much attention and bravado, while it felt like I was being tossed aside (with nearly everyone else on the crew). 

                My first approach was to have direct conversations with the supervisor about this, which didn't really go anywhere. Co-worker A started getting teased a lot by everyone because of his ambition in a promotion when they felt like he really didn't know his current job well. In the past, I'd gotten similar ribbing, but it seemed more harsh with him, perhaps because I didn't care that they were saying it. I tried helping co-worker A for a while, but it didn't seem to matter.

                The relationship with the supervisor came to a head in late February and early March. We had some heated discussions, and as the subordinate, it's pretty hard to come out on top, regardless of the issue. In line with my personality, my next response was to simply clam up. If I couldn't get my opinion across, I wasn't going to make waves, and I didn't want to sound like an ungrateful wuss, so I wasn't going to say anything to him if I didn't have to. That went over about as well as you'd expect, and things didn't improve. I worried that I would be targeted for termination or punishment, and was pretty stressed out just going to work. That next weekend off, I tore my ACL in an alumni basketball tournament. It was a curse financially, but a blessing in disguise just getting away from work.

                My left knee has given me issues since training for Iraq in Camp Shelby Mississippi back in 2006.  I spun around in the barracks and ended up on the floor. The more I learn about my body, I think I actually did something to my hip, which caused strain in the ligaments and tendons around my knee. At no time did my knee actually feel bad, but the tendons/ligaments in the back of my leg. After several doctor visits, I'd received a cortisone shot in December of 2013, and felt pretty darn good. The orders from the doctor had been to, strengthen [my] knee, whatever that meant.

                I started out the year on a physical mission. I was going to strengthen my legs so much that my knee wouldn't have any excuses, and lose a few pounds above my waist to help out. Unfortunately, I had no clue how to 'strengthen my knee'. I worked out 4 days a week, doing as many leg curls and extensions as I could, often working my legs until I could barely walk. Rarely did I experience muscle soreness the day after working out, and I'm not gonna lie, my legs looked pretty darn good.

                OK, back to the torn ACL. My year's team was going it's 'normal' alumni performance the past few years, not trying real hard despite having some pretty darn good athletes. I decided not to wear my brace because of that cortisone shot making my knee feel good, though it may not have made much of a difference. Somehow during the second game we'd gotten a pretty quick break and they tossed me the ball a few steps outside the 3-point line. I got the ball in stride, took a dribble and pulled up for the shot. *Swoosh*, it went in nothing but net, we were going to make a comeback!

                Unfortunately for me, I didn't land right. My left leg took an extra stutter step, then collapsed outward against my problematic hamstring. I felt the pop before I hit the floor and knew it wasn't just a strain. It took people a few seconds to realize I was hurt because they were all watching the ball. I mean, a 300-pound non-basketball player just drained a '3' like it was hot. By the time anyone noticed, I was already dragging myself to the sideline and our bench, which was thankfully not across the court.  I have some really awesome classmates.  They got me some ice right away, and helped pull my truck up closer to the school so that I could hop on my good leg to it. Some people can walk on a torn ACL, but that issue with my hamstring made that not possible for me. I couldn't put any weight on it, regardless of the position of my knee.

                First, I let my parents know what had happened. I'm remodeling a house, and that would be on hold for a while. I was supposed to work the next 5 days, as well, with the first shift being an OT shift (read big money). I had to call work and let them know that I'd be missing that OT shift the very next day, and at least the day after that while I went to the doctor. I ended up missing just a few more than that.

                I'd bought $200 worth of home supplies the day before, as well, if missing work wasn't enough. I ended up getting confirmation on my birthday that I'd torn my ACL, and purchased crutches of my own that were tall enough. I was supposed to be in a friend's wedding in a month, and I was planning work days on my house. A lot would be changing. 

                How you deal with change is more important than the change itself. Being joyful through trials is hard to say, and even harder to accomplish. Not just being happy, but joyful and trusting that God has a plan. It's easy to look back now and see it, but at the time, I was just relieved that the stress from work was off the front burner.

A few scriptures that have been on my mind a lot the past few months have to do with this very topic. 

Romans 5: 1-5

Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of highest privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to endure and endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.

Hebrews 12: 1-9(which quotes Proverbs 3:10,11)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress.  And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from start to finish. He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the joy He knew would be His afterward. Now he is seated in the place of highest honor besides God's throne in heaven. Think about all he endured when sinful people did such terrible things to him, so that you don't become weary and give up. After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. And have you entirely forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you, His children? He said "My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you and don't be discouraged when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and punishes those he accepts as His children." As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own Children. Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means you are illegitimate and you are not really His children after all. Since we respect our earthly fathers who disciplined us, should we not all the more cheerfully submit to the discipline of our heavenly father and live forever.

A Lament

     I met you ten years ago. I was visiting with a college buddy who was dating your sister (and would eventually marry her). You were too young for me to pursue, then, so I didn't really give it much thought other than occasional thoughts about how pretty you were. I asked you to dance at their wedding, and it's a fond memory, even if it's not particularly one that I like to pull out of the back of my brain because of how things are, now.

     When I did decide to 'pursue' you, I did it in probably the worst and most awkward way I could because I didn't know any better. You see, my parents split up when I was 14. I'd grown up going to church, and had only been baptized two years earlier, right before the marriage and my father's spiritual life started crumbling. We never really had conversations about women, and how to pursue them, to fight for their hearts. I'm not so sure that last year or so of my parents' marriage he would have known what to say or wanted to say anything at all. I grew up believing that I shouldn't date a woman I couldn't see myself marrying, and that sex was out of the question until marriage, but I'm also not sure where those ideas came from.

     So, I 'grew up' the worst way possible, unguided by an earthly father. At the time, I didn't know anything about protecting a woman's heart, or how to pursue, or why the example of Christ's relationship with the church as our guide for marriage is important. With how I act sometimes, I'm still not sure I understand just how important the correlation is. I've made mistakes in my relationships with other women, too, so it isn't something particular to you, I just don't have a clue what I'm doing and no confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. It's an area of my life that definitely needs to be left in the hands of God.

               

     I'm certain that most of my attempts at pursuing you were nothing more than destructive and painful, and I'm very sorry for that. Things are pretty awkward between us, and I take full responsibility for that. I'm never too certain that I should approach you, now, because your words, "There will never be anything between us", still haunt me. This was your response to the ill-conceived note I gave you quite a few years ago with a book I was hoping would help you spiritually. It was far too much far too soon, especially for a time when we really didn't talk much in person. 

     It's really not any different than now, I guess, with regards to how much we talk. Occasionally I'll talk to you on social media, but if I ever invite you to anything, I get a quick 'no', usually work or a boyfriend. My impression is that you want nothing to do with me, and with my actions in the past (and present), I can understand. When we happen to be in the same place, you've never been anything but polite, but that's you. That's one of the things I really have liked about you; you're positive, polite, gorgeous, modest, hard working, funny, and one of those women who gets more beautiful as you age. I don't say much in person because I worry about how a potential conversation will go. When I see you, my heart is usually going a million miles an hour, and I immediately worry about rejection, about how I look, about perceptions.

     I don't believe in 'the one' beyond marrying 'one' and committing to her for the rest of my life. I don't believe that we're soul mates, or in soul mates at all, for that matter. I generally don't take rejections well, but yours hurt more. I intentionally try not to think about you because it seems like there's no hope, and it physically hurts in the middle of my chest. I know other beautiful women, and I don't believe we're destined for anything, but for some reason, I won't give up, I can't give it up. Every time I see you and say nothing, it bugs me for quite some time.  I know that men are supposed to lead in relationships, and I'm not; I give in to fear. 

     Fear and a lack of hope are absolutely brutal when it comes to life. People do crazy things when they lose hope: they jump from burning buildings, knowing the result, but not wanting to suffer; sometimes they withdraw and shut people out; sometimes they hurt themselves; sometimes they lash out and take their pain out on others. Without hope, there is no faith.  Introspection, especially like this, is only worth a salt if you are learning from your mistakes, though.

     God is sovereign, despite our sinfulness, despite our lack of faith. I shouldn't worry about this because His Will, not mine, will be done.

Chiefs 2015 Offseason (OTC Edition)

     OK, nerd alert.  I'm a HUGE fan of the NFL offseason.  I love the personnel scenarios, the analysis, the Cap juggling.  I really enjoy the games, but man, for me, I love the first few months of the offseason.

     That's why sites like overthecap and fanspeak are my friends right now.  They let me (a random fan) 'fix' the Chiefs this off-season.  Right now, the Chiefs have -$2.3m in Cap space.  Based on who they're paying, and how much, that is an insignificant amount.  Dwayne Bowe had a run-in with police in the off-season, and due to a clause in his contract, the Chiefs can supposedly cut him for almost nothing.

Here's what I did on OTC:
Restructures:
Alex Smith:  Converted  $6m of base salary to a roster bonus.  Saves $4.5m

Extensions:
Tamba Hali:  Three year extension adds $25m of new money to the deal and saves $4.5m in 2015
Eric Berry:  Extends Berry one more season, spreads all of this year's base salary over this season and next since he isn't likely to play in 2015.
Derrick Johnson: Adds 3 years and $18 million, saves a few million more dollars
Husain Abdullah:  Adds 4 years and $19 million, $6m signing bonus

Cuts:
Dwayne Bowe:  Post June 1st cut, saves over $9m
Mike Devito:  Saves $4m  Other possibility is a trade with the same savings.
Joe Mays: saves $3m
Donnie Avery:  saves $3 million
AJ Jenkins:  Saves $900,000
Sean McGrath: saves $100,000 (not even sure why he's still on the list)

Re-sign:
Rodney Hudson: 5 years, $30m, $7.5m signing bonus
Justin Houston: 6 years, $82.6m Highest paid OLB by $16m, highest average for an OLB, as well.  I think he'll get a deal under $80,000,000
Jason Avant: 2 years, $3 million
Ron Parker: 1 year, $745,000

Moves to come:
Chase Daniel, Anthony Fasano

     This leaves $19.3m in Cap space.  IF we need $7m for rookies, that's $12m in space.  The deals I gave out were pretty generous, and I think Houston will get a deal that makes him the highest paid OLB, but less than $80,000,000, but that depends on how long, too.  Five years $70m is  $14m per year, just like 6/$84m.

     Assuming Berry doesn't play, the Chiefs' biggest holes are OG, WR, S.  The Chiefs can draft people for WR, OG, S, ILB, but who knows what the draft picks will do in their rookie season.

I'll probably do this 3-4 more times, and have several different draft scenarios, and they'll be regular posts to this blog.

A look back at 2014, part 1

          The year of 2014 was rough for me.  Full of chaos, it exposed my unpreparedness, as well as my lack of discipline.  However, that’s life, and you need to plan for success, if you want success.

          I started the year in another country, and on another Continent.  A good friend of mine had asked me in 2013 if I wanted to visit a mutual friend and his family in France.  We planned to go over the Christmas and New Year's break from work because both of us would have to take less time off, and it seemed like a good time to fly.  It was a BLAST,  something I'd like to do again, but not until after I jet around this crazy country visiting various historical sites.

          On January 1st, we said our goodbyes to our hosts and boarded the train that would take us from the Mediterranean back to Geneva, where we would fly back to New York, and from there, back to Omaha.  In Europe, everything went smoothly, from the trains to finding a nice hotel, to getting through foreign air ports (which is pretty rare from what I've been told).  Because we'd purchased our tickets so late (sorry, dude), our return flight was disjointed in NYC.  We found a relatively cheap bus/van route between NY and NJ that would get us to the airport on time, and we would be travelling right through the middle of NYC.  So far, things were going great!  I'd never been to "The Big Apple", so I was excited to see a small portion of the city.  I even got a picture of Grand Central Station.

          When we got to NJ, we got in line to 'check in' and get our tickets for the flight to Omaha, the last leg of our journey.  That's when things really slowed down.  There was a snow storm predicted that evening, and it started to snow while we were in line.  They were preemptively cancelling flights because of the storm.  We didn't notice that, though, while we waited in line for over 60 minutes in a line that barely moved.  By the time we go close, the board showed all outgoing flights cancelled for the evening.  I had a feeling that 2014 would be a year of chaos.  We'll just say I wasn't aware just how crazy it would get, and how painful it could be.

          We slept in the airport that night; well, we kind of slept.  The only warm place to sleep was literally laying on the heat registers, and all of the food vendors were closed.  I found out later that because we'd had an international flight, we could have stayed in one of the hotels.  The next morning, we hit up the ticket counter very early because our flight the next day was a standby flight, and 2 more days out.  I think we went to the counter 20 times or more, by 10 am.  We took the airport busses between the buildings, because we heard that they were setting up flights for those that had been cancelled in a different area of the airport.  We lugged our luggage, to find since that we'd already had a flight scheduled for a few days out, we shouldn't have made the trip.  That was frustrating, to say the least.  We went back to our original terminal, and checked the ticket counter a few more times.  The employees were always respectful and kind, even when people got angry.

          After a few more trips, and trying to figure out which airports had connecting flights to Omaha, we FINALLY had a flight, but it was leaving in 30 minutes.  We took the tickets, and I wanted to hug the guy behind the counter, but we were running out of time.  We ran (literally) through the airport to get to the right terminal for the flight we'd just got.  After being stopped by the TSA (because apparently fat guys are more of a threat) for the 'extra' screening through an xray scanner (I didn't argue because they wouldn't like what they'd see) and somehow losing a few dollars in coins and stuff from France, I took off again to get to the right counter.  We ran up, and they were delayed for 2 hours so that they could un-freeze the engines.

          I considered that fairly reasonable, engines are pretty important for an airplane.  The two hour delay became 2 1/2, which became 3.  I kept looking at my watch, and started to get nervous.  If we were postponed too much longer, we'd miss our flight in Denver, and be stuck there.  Thankfully, we boarded soon after, and were on our way, past our final destination, but a step closer.  It would be very close, but we could still make our flight!

          Somehow, they made up time in the air, and we had 25-30 minutes to get to our next ticket counter to get on our connecting flight to Omaha.  We ran there, and they weren't yet boarding.  We sat there for a while, waiting, conversing with our fellow passengers to Nebraska.  We got word that the plane was ready, but proper paperwork hadn't been filed and there were communication issues with fax machines.  About an hour later, the paperwork still hadn't been filed, and they were running out of time to get that plane out of the airport.  Thankfully, they got whatever they needed to filed, and we boarded a few hours late.  Because of limited availability, I got to sit in first class (Thanks again, dude!).  I just wanted to listen to music, and get a little sleep, since we hadn't really had too much of that the past two days.

          Par for the course, I slept little, and just tried relaxing... we were FINALLY headed home.  It'd been nearly three weeks since we'd seen our families, and we'd been living out of our suitcases.  I was sitting across the aisle from a stunning blonde woman (Thanks, yet again) who was pretty nice.  She was probably 7-8 years older, and a pretty independent and business oriented.  She was coming back to Omaha because her mother was sick, and was from Omaha.  I didn't even get her name, and I still don't know how to interpret the looks I got, or the conversation we had, but I'm glad someone was picking Taylor and I up from the airport.

          I got home that night after 1 am, and boy was that a good feeling to be back in my own bed.

          I woke up the next afternoon to laundry and a Chiefs playoff game.  It was their first playoff game in years, and were trying to get their first playoff victory in almost 20 years.  They ended up losing a 28-point second half lead to a team that got thoroughly dismantled the next game.  That hurt, but probably more for some of the players than the fans.  Jamaal Charles and Brandon Flowers were taken out of the game for possible concussions, Knile Davis broke his leg, and Dwayne Bowe was playing with what he thought was a broken foot.

          This was just the first 4 days of 2014, and I could already tell it was going to be chaotic.  What I didn't try to do, however, was get myself prepared for the chaos spiritually, or in any other way, really.  This lack of forward planning, and preparation for the future really hurt in 2014.